Old Crow Medicine Show if You Want My Heart Again Youll Hav to Rip It Out of Chest

Love songs are where we get our passion, our soul — and most of our worst ideas.

Naught proficient tin can come of this. Photo past Achim Voss/Flickr.

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Throughout human history, oceans have been crossed, mountains have been scaled, and dandy families accept blossomed — all because of a few simple chords and a melody that inflamed a center and propelled it on a noble, romantic mission.

On the other hand, that time you told that girl you lot just started seeing that yous would "catch a grenade" for her? You did that considering of a dearest vocal. And it wasn't exactly a coincidence that she suddenly decided to "lose your number" and motion dorsum to Milwaukee to "figure some stuff out."

"It'south just, my mom. You lot know? And L.A. is so hot in the summer. And aye, my mom." Photo via iStock.

That time you held that blast box over your head outside your ex's house? Yous did that because of a love vocal. And l hours of community service later, yous're nevertheless not dorsum together.

Dear songs are not bad. They make our hearts beat faster. They inspire us to accept risks and put our feelings on the line. And they give u.s.a. terrible, terrible ideas well-nigh how actual, real-life man relationships should work.

They're amazing. So amazing. And too terrible.

Here are six love songs that sound romantic just aren't, and one song that doesn't sound romantic merely totally is:

1. "God Merely Knows," by The Embankment Boys

You tin keep your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Get Arounds," and your "Help me Rhondas."

When it comes to The Beach Boys, "God Only Knows" is where information technology'due south at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy melody. A necktie-dye swirl of audio. A landscape of haunted innocence with some of the most heartrending lyrics ever committed to the back of a surfboard.

Youth! Youth! Youth! Photograph by Hulton Annal/Getty Images.

Here's why information technology sounds romantic:

I may not ever love y'all

But long as at that place are stars above yous

You never need to doubt it

I'll brand yous so sure about it

God just knows what I'd exist without you

If you're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your love and not playing "God Only Knows" on your iPod, you should really end and get-go over.

If you're lazily bumping a beach ball over a volleyball internet and "God Simply Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the back of your mind, you demand to rethink the choices that got yous to this point.

If you lot're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and you're not underscoring it with the opening chords of "God Only Knows," you are doing information technology incorrect.

Hippies, probable on their way to a mud frolic. Photo by Colin Davey/Getty Images.

Information technology's a vocal that just feels like love. Pure dearest. Immature dear. Love with a chill, kelp-y vibe.

What could be incorrect with that?

Here'south why information technology's actually really, really unromantic:

At that place's nada incorrect with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-acme notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their hair as they fall asleep while you lot whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.

"Miles Ryan stood on the back porch of his house, smoking a cigarette..." Photograph by hatchettebookgroup.biz.

But in that location is such a affair as loving someone a skosh too much.

If you should e'er leave me

Though life would even so keep believe me

The globe could evidence goose egg to me

So what adept would living do me?

Look, I get it. Breakups suck. There's no getting around that. But good God.

In that location'due south a huge departure between maxim: "Hey babe, you are my first and foremost everything and I'll exist bummed if yous become." And saying: "Welp, you accepted that task in Seattle, so I'm just gonna chug a agglomeration of nightshade and call it a life."

But that'southward pretty much the gist hither. Which makes this line...

God only knows what I'd exist without you

...horror-flick creepy. Because the respond, apparently, is: "I'd be a corpse!"

Ah well. We had a good run. Photo via iStock.

That'due south not love. That's codependency (to put it mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. It'southward a form of emotional abuse.

Investing all your happiness and sense of cocky-worth in any relationship — ane that, past definition, might one solar day end — is putting a lot of eggs in one handbasket. Sure, God may but know what you'd be without her, just God probably also hopes you have, I don't know, some hobbies. Accept a yoga course. Google some woodworking videos. Try kite surfing.

"Yeah! Hell yeah! What was her proper noun again?" Photograph by Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Assistants.

One person cannot be anyone's be-all and finish-all. Information technology's too stressful. And it prevents you from doing you, which is a affair that's gotta be washed before y'all can do anything else.

No wonder she took that job in Seattle.

2. "Treasure," by Bruno Mars

Sure, it'due south a breathy rip off of every Michael Jackson song you've ever heard. But, nosotros don't have Michael Jackson anymore, and equally tribute acts go, you could do a lot worse than Bruno Mars.

Wait at that face. That face! Photo by Brothers Le/Flickr.

Here's why the song sounds romantic:

Treasure, that is what you are

Honey, you lot're my golden star

You know you tin can brand my wish come truthful

If you lot let me treasure you

If y'all permit me treasure yous

Pass those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an eighth-form make-out party and you'll likely get an instant price pass on the highway to tongue-town (ew).

Laissez passer them to your spouse and, chances are, date night is going to culminate in 47 minutes of chaste-withal-passionate frenching.

Pass them to a cop who pulls you over for running a stop sign, and they volition call back y'all're weird — but probably still brand out with you.

In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to make out with America considering of this song.

This is what happens when you write "Treasure" and y'all're on phase with Michelle Obama. Photo past Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.

And I'm OK with that.

Merely, hither'south why "Treasure" isn't every bit romantic as it seems:

Everything nigh "Treasure" is retro. Everything.

Including its attitudes almost gender.

"Children, take I ever told you what I shouted at your mother on the street the offset time we met?" Photo by Jacobsen/Getty Images.

Things first to become southward right from the very offset:

Give me your, give me your, requite me your attention, baby

I gotta tell y'all a little something about yourself

Ah yes. Nothing screams "respect" quite like a homo lecturing a foreign adult female on the street nearly something she "doesn't know nearly herself."

What could it be? Could it be that her jokes are funny? Could it be that she's got something in her teeth? Could it exist that her nonfiction book nearly early modernistic German history is extremely detailed and informative?

"Thanks for teaching me all nearly Martin Luther's bible!" Photo by Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Commons.

Spoiler Alert: It'due south none of those.

You lot're wonderful, flawless, ooh, you're a sexy lady

But you walk around here similar yous wanna be someone else

Oh. It's that she'due south sexy. Cool, bro. Very original.

Word of communication? Regardless of how she's walking, the lady knows she'southward sexy. Even if she doesn't, it really doesn't touch her day-to-day and so much that you, a consummate stranger, demand to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).

Then what if she does want to be someone else? I'd love to exist someone else! I recollect beingness Ryan Gosling would be quite nice. A good way to spend a iii-24-hour interval weekend.

Certain, in that location'd exist an adjustment flow... Photograph by Eamonn M. McCormack/Getty Images.

And then later, of course, the narrator can't help himself:

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl, y'all should be grin

A girl similar y'all should never await so blue.

He respects her so much, he'south actually direct-upwardly telling her to smile! Much similar Mars' graphic symbol "Uptown Funk," who appears to get off on angrily exhorting girls to "hitting [their] hallelujah." Which, yous know, I guess everybody's got a thing.

Yes, in the globe of "Treasure," a healthy relationship is an unending stream of a man complimenting a strange woman and said woman beingness so totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex."

He then proceeds to talk to his potential lover similar the world'south creepiest pirate:

You are my treasure, you are my treasure

You are my treasure, yes, you lot, you, y'all, you are

You are my treasure, you are my treasure

You lot are my treasure, yeah, you, you, y'all, yous are

By this point, in his mind, she's a literal thing. An object. Which is plumbing equipment.

I suppose it could exist worse, though. At to the lowest degree she's not merely any affair.

GIF from "The Ii Towers."

That'southward ... something, right?

3. "Don't Recall Twice, Information technology'southward All Right," by Bob Dylan

For as long as humans have been dating each other, humans have been breaking upwards with each other. And "Don't Think Twice" is a portrait of a relationship going down in flames. Glorious, poetic, audio-visual flames.

Bob Dylan, a guy who is skillful at writing songs that a lot of people like. Photograph by William Lovelace/Getty Images.

Hither's why it sounds romantic:

Well, it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe

Fifty-fifty you don't know by now

And it ain't no employ to sit and wonder why, babe

It'll never do somehow

When your rooster crows at the interruption of dawn

Expect out your window, and I'll be gone

You lot're the reason I'chiliad a-traveling on

But don't think twice, it'southward all right.

Nail. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits situation like whoa.

"Don't Think Twice" is a raw song. An honest song. A powerful song. It'south the vocal your older sis played on continuous loop for six months later her boyfriend left for college. The song that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to get out her bank-teller chore, load her iv Australian shepherds into the van, and open a wind chinkle shop in Mendocino. The vocal your friend's absurd dad always wants to play when he invited your high school ring over to his flat to jam.

"What timbre are you looking for?" Photo past Sharon Ang/Pixabay.

Sure, information technology's about the end of a human relationship, but it sounds romantic. And at the stop of the 24-hour interval, shouldn't that be enough?

Hither's why it'southward actually sooooo messed up:

Relationships finish. For a lot of reasons. And while there is no correct fashion to call it quits with someone, when the grit settles, both parties can certainly benefit from a difficult, honest discussion about what went wrong.

It's non me, Joan. It'southward you. 100% you. Photograph by Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.

In "Don't Think Twice," that give-and-take basically boils down to: "It'southward your fault."

Let's review the reasons the dude in "Don't Think Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:

I gave her my middle, but she wanted my soul

Ugh, women, correct? You're all like, "Babe, I only have so much unspecified honey to give," and she'south like, "Take out the trash!" And you're similar, "But baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my heart exist enough?" And she's like, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole house, fed the dog, did the dishes, and fabricated both of our lunches for the week. All I need you to do is accept out the trash." And you lot're like, "You're bumming me out. I'm gonna go play guitar." And then she gets all mad! What did you do? Why is she trying to modify you? UGH!

You could have done better, only I don't mind

Yes. You lot practise mind! Y'all heed! You wrote a vocal near it, yous passive-aggressive prick.

You just kinda wasted my precious time

Ah yes. Your time is so precious! Recollect about all the hours y'all wasted plumbing the ocean-deep, ecstatic mysteries of human partnership when yous could have been futzing around with that abode-brew kit.

Yes, this was worth it. Photo by Pecker Bradford/Flickr.

The minute you lot showtime breaking it down, the message of "Don't Think Twice" all of a sudden starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sister's ex-swain, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in town for a while and now might exist in jail. Like your aunt'south wind chime store, which would have closed forever ago had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Like your friend'due south cool dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying kid support.

"You kids want a beer? No i's nether xiii, right?" Photo via iStock.

Oh yep, and the song'south narrator besides indicate-bare refers woman he'southward leaving as:

A child, I'm told

That'south right. In addition to being a run-of-the-manufactory passive-ambitious wiggle — turns out, he's also possibly a pedophile.

Even if we are to accept that this is a metaphor and she's non actually a child — which at that place's no indication it is, but OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly choose an immature partner reflects way more poorly on him than it does on her.

Breaking up with anyone in such a cruel, dismissive way is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.

Which, I suppose, may be the point.

4. "Leaving on a Jet Aeroplane," by John Denver

Who has two thumbs and wrote a bittersweet folk vocal most hurtling through the stratosphere in a behemothic aluminum tube at 600 miles per hour?

This guy. Photo by Hughes Television Network/Wikimedia Eatables.

Here'southward why it sounds romantic:

"Leaving on a Jet Airplane" is a lovely song. And impressive in its loveliness because jet planes were nevertheless kind of new at the time information technology was written.

'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane

To a modern ear, this would exist sort of like singing, "I'm a scoooting away on my hoverboooooard," but in a way that'south somehow still folksy and heartbreaking and singable by 9-year-olds at summer camp. Non like shooting fish in a barrel to practice!

Oh babe, I detest to go

You meet — he hates to become! He just hates it! We know this, because he tells the states he hates it. And why would he detest to go if he didn't love his partner just that much?

See ya! Photo by Altair78/Wikimedia Eatables.

Why indeed?

Here's why it's actually not that romantic at all:

All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the world can only distract so much from the fact that the song'south main character is well, kind of a jerkweed.

And in reality — surprise surprise! — it doesn't really seem like he hates being away all that much:

There's so many times I've let y'all down

So many times I've played around

I tell y'all now, they don't hateful a affair

"Babe, I promise! All the movies I watched alone while you were home nursing the quadruplets. All the times I drained our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to practice! Really fun. Like, I had a fantastic fourth dimension. But rest assured — completely empty, in an ontological sense."

"As empty as this bed I just finished having sex with someone else in." Photo via iStock.

Yes, when y'all suspension it downward, "Leaving on a Jet Plane," is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming distance and more the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he'southward "good" despite all evidence to the reverse.

And for all he claims to exist broken up nigh having to function from his i and just, the dude seems pretty excited about the flight. Oh, y'all're leaving on a jet plane, are you lot? Are you Zone i? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter about the "terrible" Cibo express salad you were forced to choke down as y'all saturday waiting to embark on your fun, mysterious adventure?

"Life so difficult @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photo by Gesalbte/Wikimedia Commons.

He continues:

Ev'ry place I get, I'll retrieve of yous

Ev'ry song I sing, I'll sing for you

Ah cool. He'll think about her while strumming and making "my love is delicate every bit the morn dew" eyes at a waif-y grad pupil in the front row. That pretty much makes upward for it all.

Then he demands:

So kiss me and grin for me

Tell me that you'll await for me

Later on all the expose and heartbreak, later basically revealing himself to exist a grade-A sleaze who tin't exist trusted, he notwithstanding has the gall to tell her to wait? To wait for him?

And here's the kicker:

When I come up dorsum, I'll bring your hymeneals ring

Ah yes. He'll put a ring on it. Finally.

"Ehhhhhhh...." Photo via iStock.

Dissimilar all the previous trips, where he'due south cheated a billion times, drained the family unit bank account, and only been a full general screwup and disappointment.

But aye. This time he says he'll bring back a wedding ring.

I hope she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks back.

5. "When a Man Loves a Woman," Percy Sledge

When you wait up "soul" in the dictionary, the book plays you a recording of this vocal.

Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photo past Gene Pugh/Flickr.

Specifically, it plays you lot the very first line.

Here'southward why information technology sound very romantic:

When a man loves a woman

Certain, you can write the lyrics down, just it doesn't even come close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The delicious, delicious pain-belting:

WHEN A MAN LOVES A Woman

Closer ... only still no.

WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!

Aye! Sing it, Percy Sledge!

It's an elemental lyric.

Information technology'south a eye-shattering lyric.

It's a lyric that demands yous put your back into it.

It's perfection.

As long as you don't keep listening.

Here'due south why the song is actually pretty horrifying:

From the opening lines of "When a Man Loves a Adult female," we know that, at least on occasion, a man loves a woman.

Which raises the question: What happens when said human loves said woman?

He'd surrender all his comforts

And sleep out in the pelting

If she said that's the way

It ought to be.

Whoa! OK. No. Support. A man, no matter how devoted, no thing how selfless, no matter how in dear, needs shelter. Otherwise, a human will die of exposure and hypothermia.

Plow his back on his best friend if he put her downward.

No! Jeez. No. A homo can't put up with that kind of isolating behavior. A human needs friends! Once a man's whole support organization erodes out from under him, a man volition be bitter, ungrounded, and solitary. And a man's mental health will deteriorate.

I gave you everything I have

Tryin' to hold on to your heartless dear

Baby, delight don't treat me bad.

This is non what happens "when a man loves a woman." Information technology's what happens when a man loves a decision-making, manipulative woman. An abusive woman. A woman who, in truth, just loves a woman. Herself.

"Information technology'south Chris or me." Photo by geralt/Pixabay.

And that's not healthy.

Run, Percy Sledge, run! We're here for yous.

(Side notation: Lest information technology go unsaid, there is way more than than one mode for a man to love a woman. Maybe they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the nose. Maybe they sleep in separate bedrooms. Maybe they clothes up in large, costly cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a man loves a man, I imagine it feels much the aforementioned. Or when a woman loves a adult female. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)

Regardless of the depth of commitment, living situation, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, there'south no i-size-fits-all love solution. Every human relationship is a unique snowflake. Variety is the spice of life. Necessity is the mother of invention. There'southward more than one way to peel a cat. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go downwardly.

Information technology doesn't affair if it's the right metaphor, as long as it's a metaphor. Photo by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.

Point being: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And please, seek aid! You can do this! And if you ever detect yourself in a similar situation, delight requite these people a call.

six. "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You," Center

Honestly, Heart could sing a list of the most popular AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie's Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/World's All-time Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and it would brand me want to bark my optics out in the arms of a alpine, dark stranger at the end of a pier.

This song is perfect. Y'all should e'er be listening to information technology. If y'all're not listening to it now, smack yourself in the face and Google it. It's but that important.

I am singing the phone book. You are weeping like a tiny baby. Photo by FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.

And so much passion. And so much pain. So much hair.

Here'southward why information technology sounds romantic:

Over pounding drums and a soaring melody, Heart sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson deliver a primal tribute to the one true romantic fantasy shared by every living being on Earth: picking up an unnervingly attractive man for one night of mind-bravado sexual activity and then releasing him dorsum into the wild to bone — simply never quite every bit compellingly ever again.

They sing:

It was a rainy night when he came into sight

Standing past the road, no umbrella, no glaze

So I pulled up alongside and I offered him a ride

He accepted with a grinning so nosotros collection for a while

I don't have to go on because you know what happens side by side, and it's awesome.

"I just sit down in this cabin. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photo by Rene Asmussen/Pexels.

Now, here'due south why this vocal is not romantic at all:

The relationship in "All I Wanna Do" seems too good to exist truthful. And it is. Because it'south non an equally loving ,or even equally lusty, pairing at all.

It's a...

It'southward a...

Well. You know what it is:

Good at recognizing no-win situations and succulent with lemon?! Photo by Pikawil/Flickr.

For a while, things are humming along simply fine, like any wholesome, illicit, anonymous matter should:

I didn't inquire him his proper name, this lonely male child in the rain

Fate, tell me it's right, is this love at commencement sight?

Sure, many of us might hesitate to pick upward a foreign leather-jacket-clad man continuing on the side of the road for a no-strings-attached screw, just our narrator just has a feeling about this guy, and sometimes, you gotta go with your gut.

I tin respect that.

We fabricated magic that nighttime

He did everything right

Nifty! Seems like it was a skillful decision. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off big time.

Merely then, without alert, the song starts to sound less similar an all-time great romance and more like a story men's rights activists tell each other every bit they vape around a bivouac:

I told him "I am the flower, you lot are the seed

Nosotros walked in the garden, we planted a tree

Don't try to find me, please don't you dare

Just live in my memory, you'll ever be at that place"

I'k not a poet. Symbolic linguistic communication often eludes me. Merely unless "bloom," "seed," "garden," and "tree," suddenly mean wildly different things in the context of human being reproduction than they have since sex was first invented in the early-1970s, we're talking near a surprise, not-mutually-consensual pregnancy!

HELLO! Photo past Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Commons.

Of form, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. You might exist tempted to recall, "Maybe Heart meant something else by that."

To that I say, no, they definitely meant information technology:

So it happened ane solar day

We came round the same manner

You can imagine his surprise

When he saw his own optics

At that place are two possibilities here.

One: The narrator of the vocal is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York City subway ad from ix years ago:

Photo by eyedonation.org.

Or two: She totally conned a dude into whipping up a babe on the sly.

I said, "Please, please understand

Ah, sure. Aye. No worries.

I'm in beloved with another human being

Cool, and so this all makes sense and is in no manner the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has now wrecked not one but two lives.

And what he couldn't give me, oh, no

Was the i little thing that you tin can"

A HUMAN LIFE! A REAL SENTIENT Homo LIFE THAT IS Not INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!

The best y'all can say about that is that it'due south not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket man probably should take been responsible for his own birth command. Or, at the very to the lowest degree, asked more questions .

Simply ... it'southward not cute. It's non romantic (even the Wilson sisters themselves concur).

And at the cease of the solar day, the shadiest character in this song is somehow non the rain-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the night.

Which... is maxim something.

But there is a love song that is truly, madly, securely perfect. An unassailable track in a sea of problematic faves.

A song that does everything right.

A song that paints a portrait of a healthy partnership built to last.

A song that can double as a manual for the ideal human romantic relationship.

And that song is...

"Candy Shop," by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia

Hither's why you might be — OK, almost definitely are — skeptical:

50 Cent (L) and that guy. You know, that guy? That guy! Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images.

Every bit catchy as "Candy Shop" is, equally fun it is to dance to, and equally cathartic as it can exist to scream in the center of a crowded fraternity firm at 2 a.1000., at that place's no getting around the fact that the song begins similar this:

I'll take you to the candy store

I'll permit you lick the lollipop

I'll post that again, in case you missed some of the nuance:

I'll take you to the candy shop

I'll permit y'all lick the lollipop

Way to take one for the team, narrator of "Candy Store"!

At commencement glance, "Processed Store" is nobody's thought of a classic love vocal.

The lyrics are ... unusually forward. The beat is kinda basic. The hook is like the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily past in "Homeland."

OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."

It doesn't get played much anymore. When it does resurface, it feels ... kinda dated. Similar watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Burn down" on your new Xbox 360.

It'due south non a song yous'd put on a mixtape for your trounce. It'southward not a song you'd play for your spouse when the kids are at home with the babysitter and you've got nine hours to tear up the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It's certainly not a vocal you'd include on the video photograph montage you lot made for your grandparents' silver anniversary.

It's just not.

But information technology should be.

And so here it is. Here'due south why "Candy Store" by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia, is actually the perfect human relationship vocal:

You wanna dorsum that thing up or should I push upward on information technology? Photo by ionasnicolae/Pixabay.

The bass pulsate hits. The MIDI violins whine. The singer starts filling out his fellatio permission slip. It'south merely been 20 seconds, and you're already getting set to hang information technology upward with "Candy Shop."

But then ... over the square thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the class of a female voice joining the track, cutting through the din like a clarion phone call.

She sings:

I'll have you to the candy shop (yeah)

Boy, one taste of what I got (uh-huh)

I'll have you spendin' all y'all got (come up on)

Keep going 'til you hit the spot, whoa

It'due south mutual! It's mutual! They're performing oral sex on each other!

Band the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!

Go, cunnilingus doves, go! Photo by liz west/Flickr.

fifty Cent himself may not be the world's greatest partner — for example, co-ordinate to i of his exes, he's done some pretty unforgivable things.

But the narrator of "Processed Shop"? He gets it:

Yous could take it your way, how practise you want it?

Rather than simply imposing his desires on the person he's with — a la the dude in "God Only Knows ("I'm going to invest my unabridged sense of cocky-worth in you!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'yard going to treat you like a chest total of aureate doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Practice is Make Love to You," ("I'm going to trick you into knocking me up!") — the "Processed Shop" guy actually asks his partner what she wants.

Which, in the world of popular music, is skilful for about 50,000 trillion points.

And where are they going to practise it? The hotel? Back of the rental? The embankment? The park?

It'due south any you're into

'Cause consent is sexy!

I ain't finished teaching you 'bout how sprung I got ya

The narrator of "Candy Shop" is certainly ... assertive near his desires.

But here's the key matter: the lady on the receiving terminate of those desires? She'south conspicuously into it. And we know this because she says so.

The lines of consent in "Candy Shop" are bright red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly sticky club floor.

Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is outside trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photo by Grim23/Wikimedia Commons.

Girl what nosotros do ...

And where we do ...

The things we do ...

Are just between me and you

No matter how nasty they freak, it will be intimate. It will be private. There will be no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).

If yous be a nympho, I'll be a nympho

Sexual compatibility is key to the survival of any relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very possibly in the case of "Processed Shop") minutes long.

She may accept a high sex bulldoze, but dude is graciously offering to adapt her. What a gentleman! These crazy kids merely might become the distance after all.

And at the finish of the mean solar day, what is a relationship merely ii nymphos, sharing health insurance?

Thank you, Obamacare! Photo by Wonderlane/Flickr.

It's like it's a race who could go undressed quicker

Again, everybody is having a great time. And, critically, an as great time.

I touch the correct spot at the right time

Of course, information technology wouldn't be a pop/hip-hop striking without a spot of random braggadocio, just if nosotros're to take him at his give-and-take, "Candy Shop" guy is at least as good at "doing everything right" as the anonymous hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Practice is Brand Beloved to You" — except without all the creepy surprise baby nonsense.

The "Candy Store" guy is a keeper. Because he'due south non a hero or a stranger in the night or a funky, shimmering love god. He'due south a skillful partner.

"Candy Shop" is raunchy. It'south dirty. It's not your grandmother'due south dear vocal.

Merely when you strip abroad the swagger, the back vanquish, and the weird strings from "All-time of Public Domain Middle Eastern Music 1993," by the finish of the song, both people are satisfied. And at the stop of the mean solar day, isn't that what a healthy relationship is all about?

Aye.

Uh-huh.

Photo by Francois Durand/Getty Images.

So seductive.

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Source: https://www.upworthy.com/6-songs-that-seem-romantic-but-arent-and-one-that-seems-like-it-isnt-but-is

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